You probably all know about this.

So, a customer at the bookstore wants this special ordered. It’s, ostensibly, a book with a simple plush toy (the website makes sure to note that the default elf plushie that comes with the book is “light-skinned”). However, the context is rooted in the creepiest part of the Santa mythos: the toy watches your children and reports their wrongdoings back to the Big Red One. The first rule of the Elf on the Shelf, according to Wiki, is:

“Please do not touch me. My magic might go, and Santa won’t hear all I’ve seen or I know.”

If I were a kid, I would touch the living shit out of that elf, because then maybe Santa wouldn’t know that I touch my weiner in the living room sometimes.

I can’t order it, they won’t let me have an account, the website is confusing as shit, and it’s creepier n’ a fat man whose moral compass swings at the slightest tinge of badness from the children of the world.